*That Time I Slapped Hell Out of the President . . . .

I retired some years ago, but got bored sitting around the house. I looked around for something to do with my time and inquired at a local car dealership for something part time in their sales department. I've noticed old duffers like me employed as lot salesmen by dealerships from time to time.

The local Ford dealer said they'd give me as try and soon I was working the sales lot on an irregular basis, on call as it were. In a few weeks I became a regular sight around the dealership. Then, the owners decided to remodel their facility, and things got a bit chaotic around the place with workmen, dust, clutter and confusion. More for the sake of the employees than anything else the owners decided to hold a sort of open house, and outdoor event to be held alongside the local riverside. Strangely, the theme of the event was ‘Equine’ - horses! Odd for an auto dealer, wouldn't you say?

The event soon grew larger than anticipated and everyone was invited including local politicians. As a courtesy and as more as a joke, the owners decided to send an invitation to the president of the United States.

So everyone was surprised and blindsided when BLAM! The invitation was accepted! Who'd have thought? President Donald J. Trump himself was coming to an equine event in Pudknuckle, Kentucky! And, he would enter his own horse in the equine competitions too! The entire region got into an uproar when the word got around. I couldn't quite believe it myself. Who would ever think that Trump would come to our little town or that he ever had a horse? But it seemed that it was altogether too true!

We later found out that gorgeous horse had been bought just two days before and especially for the event - in Saudi Arabia(!). The animal was especially flown back to the US in an Air Force transport at heaven knows what expense, but that's a story for another day.

The big day arrived and people came from far and wide, mostly to see the president and his horse, but come they did. All morning long horse trailers containing all manner of beautiful horses arrived. Horses were unloaded and pranced nervously around as they were led by their handlers to the riverside where the competitions and judging was to occur. Spectators were confined behind a rope garlanded with ribbons at the brow of a small hill overlooking the competition site.

But, there was no sign of the president and people began to mutter and complain that this was all just a sales gimmick by the dealership. That alarmed the dealership owners and they entered a state of near panic. But happily a cavalcade of black Lincoln Navigators full of Secret Service agents finally arrived with flashing lights and sirens. They were escorted by our 300 pound Chief of Police riding the only motorcycle that the city of Pudknuckle, Kentucky owned. I felt sorry for that poor motorcycle.

I had no duties other than to display my dealership's name tag on my pocket as I stood with the mass of spectators. Being at one edge of the crowd I watched and listened and was one of the first to hear the president's helicopter when Marine One came roaring in over the small mountain behind us. In fact, there were TWO helicopters. The second one contained Trump's gorgeous horse, and of course I, along with everyone else, never knew Trump was a horse aficionado. Hell, I figured that man didn't even know how to spell 'horse', yet there Trump's horse stood in the flesh - "The Golden Shower"! 

And oh, that was one more gorgeous beast! He was a cinnamon colored Arabian stallion standing almost 15 hands high at the withers, and festooned with red, white and blue ribbons woven into his mane and tail. Each ribbon had several small golden bells stitched to it and whenever the stallion moved at all the bells made melodious tinkling sounds. The horse's forehead boasted a golden shield embossed with a giant 'T'.  All eyes, including mine were on the stallion as he was led down the slope past us making sweet tinkling music as he stepped. That's probably why I wasn't aware anyone was right behind me until some SOB slapped me hard right on the cheek of my ass. In retrospect, I believe the slap was meant as a friendly one made in misguided jest but of course I didn't know that at the time.

So, I did what I always do when someone gets fresh with me; I automatically knocked that SOB right flat on his ass without looking. Unfortunately for me, that SOB was Donald J. Trump himself, and he fell backwards right on top of that scrawny old bastard, Senator Mitch McConnell. I don't remember much after that since I was swarmed from all sides by Secret Service agents.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

*NOTE: You can write me c/o the Federal Correctional Institution, (attn: Solitary Confinement Wing) Manchester, Kentucky.  The Warden has allowed me limited access to a computer which is why I am able to post this. However, he does not allow me to take calls yet since they're still trying to figure out what terrorist group I belong to. 

*DO NOT ACTUALLY WRITE! This is a story made up whole cloth, however, something very close to this actually DID happen - in my dream that is. I woke up with this weird dream fresh in my memory one morning and determined to write the gist of it down before I forgot it. This is the result.