The God Business

I got to figuring maybe I better get this writ down while I still can about how my best friend got in the God Business. Ol' Buford, he’s busy these days and I don’t expect him to write about it hisself. But still, I believe folks oughta know. Actually, I ain’t writing this stuff down atall, but my nephew is recording it and he says he’ll get it all set down on paper for me later. I ain’t much hand at writing myself, and my nephew can fix the spelling and whatnot else too. He’s a good boy and smart enough to be the first one in our family to go off to college. 

He said he'll write it all down just like I told it too.

I’ve got me a best friend I’ve had since we were kids, name of Buford Turno. His real name is Buford LeTourneau out something like that, but we just call him Buford Turno. You mighta heard of him, only these days he calls hisself ‘The Very Reverend Buford Bishop’.  So, me’n Ol’ Buford, we were having us a few cool ones down at the pool hall one Saturday and he says to me right out of nowhere, “Ya know Leroy, I think I’m gonna get me in the God business.”

I was pretty surprised, so I asked, “What in Hell are you up to, ‘the God Business” Buford? Ol'' Buford, he was always one for scheming up things

Anyhow, I never put anything past Ol’ Buford, knowing him like I do. He's always been kind of a scheming son of a bitch and goddamned near unbeatable at poker. But this here was a brand new slant for him and absolutely not like him. Besides, he’d never said a goddamned word about anything like that before.

“Oh Hell,” he said. “you know. The goddamned God Business Leroy! Churches, Radio & TV preaching and all that, for money, like Billy Graham and Jimmy Swaggert!”

“Well, you damned sure ain’t no preacher material.” I said to him, and meant it too,

For a fact he wasn’t neither. Ol’ Buford was one of the biggest, and worstest, sinningest hell-raisers I ever did know. Everybody in six counties knew about Buford and what a devilish and worthless peckerwood he was. Me'n him had a history together going back for years of scandal and misdeeds. If it could be done, me’n Ol’ Buford probably did it, legal or not didn't matter one bit.

But Ol’ Buford, he just laughed and said, “Oh hell, you damned fool, that don’t matter in the God business. In fact, the more sinning you do, the better off you are for making money in the God business. And, I don’t mean just a little bit of money neither Leroy, I mean a whole lotta goddamned money!”

“How you figure that, Buford?” I asked him. “The last time you was even in church was the day you got married, and everybody knows how that turned out!”

Ol’ Buford hung his head at that and said, “Yep, and I got screwed so bad that time I ain’t never set foot in 'nother church since neither! But, ya see, all that don’t matter none neither now. Not one goddamned bit!”

“Ya see, what your average evangelical loves more than anything else is somebody ‘coming back to Jesus and the church’. They favor them kind of folks even better than straight up and down converts. And, the more sinning they does before they find Jesus again, the better them bible-thumpers love ‘em!”

I had to admit, it seemed like he had a real point there. I’d noticed that myself. Hell, I know one other ol’ hell-raising drunk myself who found Jesus a few years ago, and now he’s a deacon in a church over in Lafayette.

“Yeah, I’ve been dirt poor long enough Leroy, and I’m sick and damned tired of all those sanctimonious sumbitching church bastards sneering at me and looking down their goody-goody God-fearing goddamned noses at me. And, I’m a-planning on getting me in some action on the backs of them damned fools, ya hear me boy?” He said, and he said it like he really meant it too.

“And just how are you gonna do that?” I asked him then.

“Hell, I’m gonna join me a church.” Buford said.

“Oh, no hell you ain’t!” I told him. “It’d be a cold day in Hell before you ever joined a church!”

“Naw, naw, now hear me out boy. I’ve been a-studying on this for a while and I got me a plan.” Said ol' Buford. “I even writ some of it down already.”

“What kinda plan?”

“Well, just shut up and listen then.” Buford said. He went on to tell me all about his ‘plan’.

“First, I’m gonna find me a nice little medium-sized church, Southern Baptist I’m a-thinking.”

“How come Southern Baptist?”  I asked him.

“Oh, just stop it fool! That’s ‘cause Southern Baptists will believe just about any damned thing so long as it’s got the slightest whiff of sinnin' and Christian religion about it, and the screwier the better.’

“Anyhow, I’m gonna tell the preacher I’m a poor old wasted sinner all worn out from my sinning ways and looking to find Jesus to save my soul. I’m gonna make that preacher think he’s got a prime chance to bring a wicked, stinking, and sinning heathen into his church. Those little country churches are losing members right and left ya know, and getting mighty tight on money too. If they think there’s a chance of getting a new member to join and start tithing, why they’re all over them like a goose on a hog turd.”

“And, I’m gonna be just the nicest and prayingest god-hollerer you ever did see. I’m gonna buy me a ten-pound gold-leafed bible that’ll put all them God-botherers to shame. Every chance I get I’m gonna holler for the mercy of Jesus as loud as I can. Before long that preacher’s gonna be so proud of bringing me back to Jesus and saving my soul he’s gonna be showing me off every chance he has.”

“Well, all that damned sure ain’t like you atall Buford. What’n Hell’s done come over you boy? Are you plumb crazy?” I asked him.

‘No boy, I ain’t. or iffen I am, I’m crazy like a fox” Buford told me. “But, you just listen here to me good now.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, It’s gonna take me a while and I’m gonna need your help Leroy.”

“My help? You know I don’t have no use for religion atall! Hell, I can’t even spell ‘religion’ you damned fool!” I just about hollered.

“Yep, that’s OK, and that’s exactly why I need you. You’re gonna be the first soul I save and bring to Jesus.”

“Bring me to Jesus? What in the ding-dong hell are you even talking about Buford?”

“Well, it’s like this,” Buford says. “I’m gonna sponsor you and tell the preacher I’ve laid the word of God on you and showed you the error of your ways.  Now, you’ll be a-wanting to join the church too since I’ve brought you to Jesus! The preacher’ll think he’s getting a twofer with me’n you both and he’ll be so goddamned thrilled he’ll crap in his britches.”

“Well, I dunno, I damned sure don’t much like the sound of all this atall.” I remember saying to Buford at the time.

“Don’t you worry none, Son. You ain’t gonna be doing this all alone neither. You’re gonna have company.” Buford told me.

“I’m gonna have company?” I said. What’n hell did that fool mean?

“Oh Hell yeah, now you just you listen to me, boy. I’ll bring in Ol’ Larry, and Jerry Lee and two or three other ol' boys too. All of y’all gonna be knocking the church door down to find Jesus after I’ve brought you the word of God. It’ll be a regular old down home camp town meeting afore it’s over.”

“Them boys ain’t never gonna buy into that crap, Buford, an' you and me both damned well know it.” I told him then.

“Now, just you wait and see.” Says Buford. “Just you wait and see boy!  Before you know it all you good ol’ boys will be deacons in the church and the money won’t be far behind. You boys will all do all right, you mark my words, and I’m gonna get rich. If Billy Graham and Pat Robertson and Jimmy Swaggart can do it, ain’t a damned reason in this world I can’t.”

“Yeah, but look at them.” I said to him back then. “All them boys got mega-churches and TV shows and all that kinda crap. Ain’t no way you can match that and it’s no wonder they got the money rolling in.”

But, Buford just said, “That’s absolutely right Leroy, and you’re just making my case for me. Every damned one of them had to start somewhere and that’s what I’m a-planning on doing myself!”

And, so it was. Buford found Jesus and  and then he found a church and joined it. He made that preacher very proud. Then Buford helped me to find Jesus and brought me into the church too, then Ol’ Larry and Jerry Lee and Randolph and Bobby Rae found Jesus too just like he said. That preacher just went plumb crazy and even starting inviting Ol’ Buford to preach once in a while as a lay preacher when he was out of town or wanted to go fishing. I guess he figured Ol’ Buford musta been a pretty good preacher hisself if he was bringing all us folks back to Jesus.

Buford got so busy in his off time watching TV preaching shows to learn how to preach hisself that it got to where he wasn’t hardly any fun to be around anymore. But, I’ll have to hand it to Ol’ Buford though, he read up and studied and learned the scriptures about as well as any preacher could ever know ‘em, and what he didn’t know, he was smart enough to act all humble about it and ask for help, which only made him that much more convincing and endearing to the church folks. They just loved it and lapped every bit of it up. The more ‘spiritual’ he acted, the more they loved him, and before you knew it, them church members were turning to Buford for spiritual help instead of their own preacher!

And, the other thing Ol’ Buford did was to really put on a big show when he was preaching. I mean Ol’ Buford, he’d just prance around up there carrying his ten-pound gold-leafed bible, and a-flipping pages like he was a-dealing poker cards. Buford always had a good singing voice, and he’d get to hollering in a sing-song kinda way, and every now and then he’d just shout out ‘Praise Jesus!’ or, ‘Glory Hallelujah!’, or just ‘Jesus!’ or ‘Praise the Lord!’ really loud - then he’d just stop and look at everyone in the church for nearly a full minute before he’d take off again. I mean he’d just bore holes right through them folks with his eyes. The congregation would be fascinated and they’d get so jumpy with anticipation they’d start in hollering and praising the Lord too, just to break the tension.The folks absolutely loved that man and lapped it all up like starvin' hogs.!

I have to say myself, it was just about enough to make an old sinner like me join the church too myself, even if I hadn’t already found Jesus and joined. Damnedest show I ever did see!

And finally that poor preacher began to suspect what was coming and tried awful hard to head it off, but it was way too late by then. That preacher was a pretty dumb ass come to think of it, and any man that stupid really don’t deserve to be a-preaching to folks anyhow now does he? Anyhow the church deacons and leaders pretty soon fired that old sanctimonious bastard and invited Ol’ Buford to be their preacher full time. I think it must have been a lot of fun for Ol’ Buford, ‘cause he had his plan you see, but me and the others, we weren’t too happy about having to act all holy and proper and spiritual all the time. Buford was paying us $20 each to show up every Sunday morning bright and early for Sunday school and church services. He made us do it too. He wanted us to show folks how holy we got after he brought us back to Jesus. And, let me tell you right here that getting outta bed early on a Sunday morning with a beer hangover from the night before damned sure ain’t no picnic, and trying to act all sweet and innocent on top of that? Ain’t no way any human man can sustain that!

It all came to a head one Sunday after Easter when Jerry Lee and Randolph showed up late to church that morning still plumb blind, stinking, and staggering drunk. I’d left them at midnight. I don’t believe they’d been to bed atall and most likely just kept on a-drinking. Hell, I’d done that a many a night myself. But, that Sunday it was just plumb disgraceful showing up like that in church the way they did. Hell, it was embarrassing even for me. You could smell ‘em from one end of the sanctuary to the other; their eyes were so bloodshot they looked like two pissholes in a snowbank. I thought Ol’ Buford was gonna choke his face got so red when he first saw them stagger in.

But, he didn’t. No, Ol’ Buford, he just sighed real loud and came down from that altar and walked down that aisle real slow to where those two drunks were trying to fumble their way into one of the pews. Buford dragged them both back into the main aisle and took each one of those ol’ boys by a shoulder and he forced them kneel down on their knees at the end of that pew facing the altar. They couldn’t figure out what was going on and neither could I.

“Come on now boys.” Ol’ Buford says, just as sweet and gentle as you ever did please. It was like he had hurt feelings and was talking with five-year-olds. “I can see it’s time we had us a good ol’ talk with Jesus. We’ve got to talk to Jesus right this minute and it can’t wait a 'nother second!” 

Everybody in that church was hypnotized by what Ol’ Buford did next, ‘cause, all of a sudden he just hollered ‘JESUS’ so loud it rattled the windows and you coulda heard him a mile away. Folks was shocked speechless and I heard a couple kids start in crying somewhere up front. Then Ol’ Buford, he started in a-praying and a-swaying, and he was loud and proud, let me tell you. “Lord Jesus!” he hollered. “Just look at us poor sinners who dare to enter into your house all drunk and a-stinking of sin! Shall we be damned? Shall you smite us with a mighty bolt from Heaven?”

Folks couldn’t help but notice right off that he wasn’t talking about just Jerry Lee and Randolph neither, but threw his own self in it too. He rolled hisself right into that same sinning soup with the others! You coulda heard a pin drop in that church except for the kids crying and a few sniffles I heard out of some of the women. As for me, I was just trying to be as quiet and as unnoticeable as I could be since most likely you could smell the whiskey on me too if you got close enough. And,I was feeling damned guilty because I was relieved all the attention was on somebody else instead of on me.

That show Ol’ Buford put on then was beautiful to behold. Ol’ Buford, he just went into a-praying and a-hollering as loud as he could, and it wasn’t very long before Ol’ Randolph, he started in all a-blubbering and a-crying. Then by God, that got Jerry Lee a-going, and wouldn’t ya know it, me too! It wasn’t two minutes afore there wasn’t a dry eye in that whole building, and everybody was a-crying and a-hollering, and a-praying and ‘a-praising the Lord!’  You ain’t never seen a sight like it in your life! Everybody in that church was standing and swaying back and forth with their arms in the air and ‘praising Jesus’ as loud as they could. The noise was so loud all of the small children were a-crying and a-screaming their heads off ‘cause they were just plain scared to death with all that hollering. I can’t say as I can blame ‘em neither. But, never mind, nobody paid them the least bit of attention.

But, for everybody else? Why it was just about the closest thing to having sex that wasn’t having sex that I’ve ever been through yet. Some of the women began to faint, and I think I know why. Thing is, it went on for a good five or ten minutes before it began to taper off and everyone looked exhausted. A good dozen women and not a few men had fainted and folks were fanning them in the pews. Christ, I was just about to faint myself!

Well, that minute right there was the first real minute of the beginning of Ol’ Buford’s God Business. After that, it was just Katie bar the door. So many new folks started coming to that little church they had to build a new one right off, then just a year later, another new one four times the size of the last one, and it just kept on a-growing and money just came flowing in by the handfuls and gobs. Then of course Ol’ Buford, he decided to start in healing folks too, and man that got ‘em coming in by the thousands. We had to put up tents with big-screen TV’s in the parking lots to handle the overflow. It got so bad folks were paying $100 for a reservation to get in the main goddamned air-conditioned church! I ain’t never seen nothing like it in my life!

That was about when I pulled out, but, in another year Ol’ Buford, he got his own TV ministry a-going, and then the money really started pouring in by the buckets full.  Little old ladies were sending in five dollars a week to subscribe to Buford’s exclusive ‘Christ’s TV Club’ ministry for subscribers only. Other folks were sending in money to have Buford pray for them. Some folks even brought in their kids piggy banks full of change to prove how faithful they were. You ain’t never seen anything like it in your life, I’m here to tell you. At least I ain’t never seen anything to match it!

Nowadays Buford’s got to be such a big deal that he’s hired him a Jewish business manager with a Master's Degree in business from Harvard. The manager handles all the details of Buford’s God Business, which has branched out into all kinds of other things now, like old folks’ homes, apartments for Christians, a Christian medical clinic and I don’t know what all else. They even built brand-new Christian  radiation and chemotherapy clinics! Buford says there's just gobs of money in those things. The business manager is boss over an office staff of thirty or forty. Buford says they have investments in all sorts of things, from oil wells, to Las Vegas casinos and much more, ain’t no telling what all.

These days, me’n Ol’ Buford are the only ones left out of that first bunch. Bobby Rae’s wife shot and killed him when she caught him in the backseat with a carhop from Johnnie’s drive-in out behind the old high school one night. Lorinda - that is Bobby Rae’s wife, she shot ‘em both, 2 or 3 times each. The sheriff said that one shot each woulda done the job and she was just wasting bullets after that. Anyhow, Lorinda, she beat a murder charge concerning Bobby Rae as a justifiable homicide based on the ‘He Just Needed Killing’ section of the Louisiana’s Criminal Code’s new Stand Your Ground Law. But she did six month’s for shooting the carhop because that woman turned out to be Lorinda’s sister working a new job that night and shooting your own sister is considered domestic violence in Louisiana, no matter how come you done it. Lorinda, she took off right after she got out of jail and left her four little young’uns for her maw to raise. I believe she headed for Texas, and I’ve got to thinking lately that could be she and Ol’ Larry mighta had something going on on the side all along.

Ol’ Jerry Lee, he died a couple years ago of cirrhosis of the liver and Ol’ Randolph got killed in a head-on out on the freeway. He got drunk and took off down the interstate going the wrong way and took out three others in the other car too. The survivors sued his estate but it turned out he was in negative territory concerning money. I coulda sure saved the survivors a lot of time and money if they’d a just asked me. Larry, he just drifted away and nobody knows exactly where, but I’ve heard tell somebody said he was over in Texas now and that’s how come I think him and Lorinda musta hooked up. 

Anyway, it is back to just me’n Ol’ Buford now. Buford, he made me a deacon like he promised, but I got real tired of that bullshit pretty soon and asked to resign after a couple years or so. But, Buford likes to have me hang around these days as a kind of pet I believe, and as a reminder of the good old days before he got into the God Business, and because we’ve always been best friends too. He looks after me real good too. He bought me this little house out in Dunleavin Valley and his manager sends me a check every month for running around money. It’s more money really than I could make if I worked at a real job, which I have never much liked to do nohow. The way I look at things, I ain’t got a goddamned thing to complain about, even if I’m damned near dead with the emphysema, arthritis, and liver problems and what all else these days. Hell, all I ever did was to join a goddamned church and act all spiritual for two or three years!

But, Ol’ Buford now, why that ol’ boy has money to burn, and I mean literally to burn let me tell you. He wears gold rings set with diamonds on every finger which cost more than most doctors make in a lifetime. He’s on his third or fourth wife now since getting big in the God Business, each one younger than before. And, that don’t count all the other women he takes up with neither. Ol’ Buford likes to brag that his Viagra bill is more than he pays his chauffeur!

Nowadays, Ol’ Buford’s got him a five-and-a-half-million dollar jet, a ten-million dollar house and another big hunting plantation in Florida with a 120 acre lake on it, two yachts, and a buncha race horses and I believe eight Rolls-Royce automobiles at last count. He owns his own private invitation-only night club and lounge over in Opelousas where he goes to let his hair down from the stress of the God Business and always having to be spiritual for folks. Ol’ Buford, he says he don’t worry about a goddamned thing these days since most of his money is in offshore accounts now and he only stays in the God Business because it somehow got in his blood now and got to be such a habit with him that now he just can’t quit!

Now, ain’t that just a goddamnedest thing for a good ol' boy that never even got around to graduating high school??

Yessirree Bob! The God Business has sure been goddamned good to Ol’ Buford!