Two Bears

Two bears on a national forest were hard up for food with nothing but terrible weather the entire past year. After a too-cold Winter and a too-hot Spring, there was very little to eat. What there was was all dried up and frizzled.

So, the older bear Sam, said to his younger companion Roger one day, “You know what? I’m so damned hungry I think I’m gonna go find and eat me a tourist!”

“You can’t do that!” protested Roger. “Don’t you ‘member that warning Smokey gave us?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but screw Smokey! We’re not supposed to eat the tourists ‘cause if we do they’ll declare us ‘problem bears’ and hunt us down and shoot us like, well . . . . , bears. But, I’m a-telling you, Roger, if we don’t start snacking on some tourists pretty damned soon we’re gonna starve to death. Hell, that’s a worse way to die than getting shot.”

“Guess you’re right about that.” said Roger. “So, what do we do to catch us a tourist? How’s that work? I’ve never caught one  before.”

“Me neither, really, but I hear it’s pretty simple,” said Sam. “We just hide behind some stump or rock alongside a hiking trail and when a tourist comes walking by alone, why we just grab him by the neck and run off in the woods with him. We clean him - or her -  fix them, and eat them where no one will notice. Why don’t you go over and wait behind a stump by the Upper Trail and I’ll take the Lower Trail? We’ll meet again this evening to see how we did.”

“Roger that.” said Roger.

Late that day they met to compare notes and Sam asked Roger, “So, how’d you do today?”

“Pretty good I guess.” Roger replied. “I caught me a Mexican. Holy smokes!  Was he all juicy and spicy! He tasted great once I got by that hot chili pepper zing. But, he was pretty buttery too so I’m worried about my cholesterol now. I’m gonna need a nap. But anyway, how’d you do yourself?”

“Sheesh!” said Sam. “I’m gonna have to do better than I did today or I’m gonna starve completely to death fer Christ’s sakes! I screwed up bad and caught me a Norwegian by mistake.”

“So, what’s wrong with Norwegians?” asked Roger.

“Well, nothing if you like working all day for almost nothing!  But, I  didn’t know that either until today. Turns out they’re mostly just twisted gristle and knobby bone and taste like rotten fish - not at all tasty, even if you like rotten fish, which I damned well don't. They eat too much fish and rotten cheese and downright stink outside and in. Besides that, it took me an hour and a half to finally get him peeled and ready to eat.” said Sam disgustedly. 

“Hard way to find that out too. That damned Norwegian thought I was playing and kept trying to give me a ‘bear hug’ if you can imagine that! I think maybe he was drunk. But, you can’t tell from just seeing one strolling down the trail. He must have just eaten some of that awful, rotten Lutefisk too. Once I finally got him down and got all his stinky parts and bad pieces cleaned out, I ended up with only a couple handfuls of edible stuff and that was so gnarly I could hardly chew it. I tell you right now Roger, can’t nobody live on Norwegians! I’m just damned well hoping I can do better tomorrow.”

Late the next day they met again. Sam said, “Well, I did a lot better today, thank goodness. I caught me one of those monks from over at the new monastery. He was delicious, filling and fully satisfying. If you'll pardon my pun, that monk really saved me!”

“Gosh Sam,” said Roger. “Good for you! I caught me one of them monks too, but I could hardly eat the damned thing, once I got him peeled he tasted so awful I could hardly choke him down.”

“So how’d you fix him?” asked Sam.

“Ate him raw of course, like you’re supposed to do.”

“Well, there’s your problem right there Roger, you dumb Ass! Don’t you ever learn? Them monks are friars!” chortled Sam as he rolled around on the ground on his back with all four feet in the air.

Roger hung his head. 

They met again late the next day. Roger was grinning and Sam was all out of sorts again. “Man, this was the best day so far!” grinned Roger.

“I probably don’t even want to hear about it,” snarled Sam. “but, I know you're going to tell me anyway, so go on ahead if you must.”

“Yeah well, today I really, really lucked up and caught me a nice, fat Democrat.” chortled Roger as he maliciously rubbed it in. “Man, was he so sweet and succulent. He hardly even hollered when I grabbed him. He was oozing with all this sweet syrupy stuff and smelled good too. I’m so full of sweet, wholesome stuff and environmentally friendly food right now I gotta find a place to take a nice long nap. But, anyway, how’d you do yourself?

“Hell, wouldn’t you just believe my damned luck?” Sam snarled. “There you go out and catch yourself a nice fat Democrat and all I caught was this knotty, crappy, stinking, flinty damned Republican. Once I got all the crap cleaned out of that bastard there wasn't much left but his teeth, his gold cross, his wallet and maybe a half pound of edible stuff if you can even call it that. He was way worse than any Norwegian!”

“Do ya know what I'm a-thinking Roger?  Tomorrow me and you? We're gonna switch trails!”